Jabespeare – Bard To The Bone

Cry havoc and who let the dogs out?

I had some fun last summer with a couple of hashtags that I think I might have initiated (certainly, my tweets are the only ones that display when I use the #Search on Twitter, but if anyone knows better, please tell me). One of them was #BardToTheBone, and the other one, the one I named with probably especially ill-judged confidence, was #jabespeare. The idea blossomed thanks to the collision of a couple of factors. One of them was the evident enthusiasm for all things Shakespeare of a number of fine people on Twitter (I’m still not comfortable with calling them Tweeps), including a fine writer called @ElishaAshworth whose posting of quotes from Shakey rekindled my interest in his works.

The other factor was my first viewing of the Miley Cyrus video for the song “Wrecking Ball”, prompted because of an alleged physical resemblance between Miss Cyrus and a work colleague. The first video that YouTube offered me was a cover version of the song performed by the veteran pornographic actor Ron Jeremy – who, rather confusingly, looks nothing like my work colleague – but once I’d managed to watch that and move on with my life I found the Miley video and found that, irrespective of musical taste, she appears to have excellent taste in footwear.

The song was still in my head when I tuned into Twitter and found a handful of Shakespeare quotes on my feed.  Without thinking – which, for good or for ill, is how I tend to work – I started to type, and mewled and puked the first #jabespeare onto my timeline.

Give not thy voice that I didst walk away
Mine desire shall be forever for thee
Verily, I came in like a wrecking ball

Okay, as lightbulb moments go, it’s not up there with Archimedes’ “Eureka” as he vaulted from the bath, or the alleged cranial collision with an apple that supposedly knocked the Universal Law of Gravitation into Newton’s noggin, but that’s how it happened. The absurdity of the tweet made me chuckle, and it got a handful of always welcome stars and RTs, and so for a few weeks, the lyrics to a number of popular songs were retooled accompanied by the jabespeare hashtag. I never posted the titles of the songs I was reinterpreting, but people seemed to recognise them anyway, which hopefully means that the joke worked, and that I should consider getting myself a wallet with the words “Bard Motherf**ker” on it 😉

Anyway, with sincere apologies to both the diehard fans of Big Bill and also the artists whose songs I reshaped, here are a few more of my efforts …

Fowl spake Quack
Fish spake Blub
The seal spake OW OW OW
But there be a sound
That none shall knoweth
What doth the fox sayeth?

I shall deny all scrubs!
A scrub shall find my love a bolted door!
He jests at the flank of his brother’s cart!
Spewing a gorge!

What fortunes avail thee, pussycat?
Woaha Woaha Woaha!
What fortunes avail thee, pussycat?
Woaha Woaha Woaha!

What fate awaits thine sweet abundance of junk?
The junk thou beareth within thy trunk?

Verily, I shall make thee merry
Make thee merry with the passion of mine hump
Mine lovely little lumps!

Mine solitude doth killeth me
I do confess to thee
I yet believe
If parted from thee
Mine senses fly
Pray gift me a sign
Strike me baby one more time

I bid thee loosen up my bodice baby
Such an illusion of valour!
Thy lustful words doth spill
Yet mine eyes spy no deed!

Mine milk of human kindness brings all the lords to the yard!

Let us make play that the silver’d birds in the moonlight be as falling stars
I would make good sport of a wish this night now

I bear grateful witness to thee, Milady
As thy shaketh dat Bottom!
Shaketh dat Bottom!

Let us draw arms in ignoble conflict so fearsome as to rend the weft of matter itself asunder.
At the Gay Bar, Gay Bar, Gay Bar!

If this be not eternal
But a moment in the grace of this good night
Then let it reign supreme
Oh! Thy sex be afire!

Near to five score dilemmas plague my senses with turmoil and despair, and yet a wench be not one of them!

Ne’er shall I relinquish thee
Ne’er shall disprove thy faith
Ne’er shall I seek a fairer maid
And abandon thee

Taketh my tongue
‘Til I know thee
And let mine lips be as wine to you
And I shall share with thee
All the moves like Jagger

When thy words are as silk
Thou steers a wench to madness
Thy wisdom sees truth in mine flesh
Thou knowest mine hips don’t lie

I should deny the arms of Morpheus
To savour thy sweet breaths
And see thee smile in slumber
As thy soul takes flight in dreams

Oh! Sexy! I hold thee dear and gift thee back!
Thou knaves and fools prattle and dither and know not how to act!

Comely maiden
Bestriding cobbled lanes
Comely maiden
Kin of the angels I seek
Comely maiden
Thy beauty be unmatched

Let us speak of the beast with 2 backs, milady
Let us speak of I and thee
Discourse all the sweet joy or misfortune
That may be

I bid thee, oh thinly form’d spirit, oh narrow ghost!
Abandon thy fakery and arise!
Will the real slim shade please stand up?

Thou need not be wealthy
To be mine maiden
Nor be aloof of manner
To command mine kingdom

No constellation of birth need not entwine
I desireth only the hours of all thy days and thy
Lustful lure, thine …


(And if you made it this far, this last one is my personal favourite)

I desireth broad rumps
And will not deceive
How it maketh my senses take leave
When a maid doth prance
With an immodest glance
And the Globe Theatre in her pants!

Thanks for reading!

12 thoughts on “Jabespeare – Bard To The Bone

  1. Young knave, there be a place thou mayest go
    Say I, young knave, when thy ducats are low
    Thou canst tarry there, be I sure thou shalt find
    Copious ways thou might pass a merry time.

    1. Hahaha! You just bloody well owned the entire post, sir! Bravo, and that’s one of my favourite tunes of that fine consort of merry makers, along with “In The Armada” 🙂

      Should they have pursued their Shakespearan leanings further, no doubt we would have been regaled with their rendition of Bottom’s “Ousel Cock”.

      And I hope to God you know something of A Midsummer Night’s Dream, or you’ll be like “WT Actual F?”

      Thanks for reading and making me laugh! 🙂

      1. They completely loved it! You’re officially famous among 12-13 year-old who live in the badlands of Utah. (about 40 total souls you’ve successfully infected)

        Good work. 😉

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